Back in the days when Pete was on earth Pete kept a log, most of which was directed at Mex’s inability to “lay off the sugar”. Word has it he left it behind when he left for Planet Hy Man for those of us who want a gentle reminder of just what a queer bunch we humans are.
Here is a wee extract just for you.
I had been on Earth a week, and my confusion had plunged to the depth of a coal pit, Woody’s “treat 'em mean and keep ‘em keen” lecture didn’t help, and neither was sitting in front of the TV when he did it.
We were watching a “romantic comedy” at the time and I was spellbound. We don’t have a TV on Planet Hy Man, we watch Earth’s, it makes us feel superior, like a scientist staring at a bug. But watching TV on Earth is way different, it sucks you in. And I was on the edge of my seat, feeling things I never felt before, like willing the couple on for a happy ending.
I have never been “on the edge” of anything, let alone “sucked in”. I didn’t even know what an “earth happy ending” was until this week. A happy ending for us androids is merely the right lubrication. As for feelings, the only thing I’ve ever felt was mild irritation from herself, Mex, the Man Spy I serve, a woman who refuses to listen to anything I say, although she does admire my ability to drop into the splits.
“What a load of bollocks” laughed Woody as I wiped my eyes— grateful that he hadn’t noticed the “load of bollocks” had just ripped my heart open and patched it back together again— a heart I wasn’t supposed to have.
We were in a Bed and Breakfast run by Bunnie a woman who Woody maintained “had been around the block a few times”. She knew all about our mission. Mex had arrived before me and having overdosed on anything with sugar had not only spilled the beans but was now so addicted to sugar, she had a sense of humor.
Here’s me trying to grasp the nature of an earthling while she, living it up on fudge, tablet, and chocolate was as high as a flag at full mast and as much help as an earth road map.
Earth is so confusing— take platonic, it sounds like some metal that makes a time - piece speak, but according to Woody, it is a type of relationship where “no snogging” is required. Drama on TV involving shouting which people seem to find “entertaining”, while “entertainment” itself is people fixing up houses or hitting balls with more types of implements than haircuts, and don’t get me started on cars. I mean how many types of cars does one need, what is wrong with sticking with one color, is coordination that big a deal? Woody says it is, he says it’s what gets folk up in the morning along with breakfast TV, and a decent coffee.
Running on Planet Hy Man is merely a mechanism of transportation, to get from “A to B”, there is no prize involved. Prizes are for wimps according to our esteemed leader just as balls are for knocking things down from a great height.
I stared at the credits wondering what “entertainment” was on next when Woody flicked the channel to wrestling— “for a laugh”.
I nearly choked on my coffee.
Wrestling is what robots do on the “sly”. I guess it comes from being made of Teflon, it’s so flexible, that bending someone over your head is as easy as, well, laughing, and us androids love a good laugh, usually at the expense of the more ‘manual” robots.
After three body slams and a chair over the back smash Woody, bored with Macho Man and his tag team flicked the channel.
“This stuff is as plausible as me doing the high jump,” he said which had Mex perplexed enough to look up from her bag of fudge, even when he explained what a high jump was.
I laughed out loud, Woody is a dwarf who struggles to reach the top shelf, his sarcasm is on a par with the great wits on my planet, and for the past week, his wit has had me laughing more times than Mex has tucked into a Cadbury’s milk tray.
“There is as much truth in wrestling as there is meat in a sausage,” he said channels cruising.
I laughed again.
“Are you not a vegetarian?” Said Mex.
“Well yes but….” He smiled at me .“The two are not related.”
Bunnie walked in took one look at all three of us squashed up on the couch now staring at the shopping channel, grabbed the remote, and with a tut flicked off the TV.
“We need to go to Asda for supplies,” she said.
We all looked up.
“For this mission of yours,” she huffed. “I have a list here and…” she turned to Mex “...there is bugger all sweet stuff.”
Mex pulled a face.
“You need to detox, how are you going to save your planet high on toffee and the like.”
I stared at the blank screen I didn’t want to move. I wanted to watch another film, bugger the mission.
Bunnie talked of how she wanted to help, that helping was the very core of her being then she stopped and looked at me. “Why don’t you drive”.
“Drive? Why?”
“You’re a robot”.
“Android,” I said.
“You're supposed to know about these things. Besides Woody can’t reach the peddle.” She looked at Mex “and she….well,” Bunnie huffed again.
Thank you pickling Mex!
