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Finding the end of sellotape is as easy as finding a man who uses a condom

I decided to say a Christmas thank-you to my son the only way I knew how—with chocolate. He lives in China, and apparently, it’s not that great there.

My husband, a man with more vouchers than Amazon, bought so much cheap chocolate I had to send it in batches.

Or eat it myself …

Every day he came in from work, looked at the pile of chocolate, and asked…

“Have you sent that chocolate yet?”

Sometimes I looked at him like he...

Back in the days when Pete was on earth Pete kept a log, most of which was directed at Mex’s inability to “lay off the sugar”. Word has it he left it behind when he left for Planet Hy Man for those of us who want a gentle reminder of just what a queer bunch we humans are.

Here is a wee extract just for you.

I had been on Earth a week, and my confusion had plunged to the depth of a coal pit, Woody’s “treat 'em mean and keep ‘em keen” lecture didn’t help, and...

So here I am in the east of Scotland in the sort of place that, well, you wouldn’t wear your fancy underwear too, not that I’ve got that many. The sort of place you wouldn’t eat your fish and chips, well I am a vegan. The sort of place you wouldn’t take your shoes off in, especially if you saw my socks and I thought I know I write something funny that will cheer me up.

Could I think of anything funny? The only thing I could think of was this place was worse than my car and my car is pretty...