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The seagull is back!!!!

Peering at me through a downpour with a ‘let me in’ look. Like that’s going to happen.

I started pulling faces at him when Hubby was at work, fell asleep, and woke to three faces scowling at me. Was I dreaming? Am I paranoid? I don’t know but lets just say my car was covered in bird shit…

And I just had it washed.

Pete’s Memoirs

Join me in looking at the world through the eyes of an android called Pete, and discover his past along the way.

So let’s recap…

Pete is no longer...

My hubby lives five hours away.

That’s five hours of driving — long enough to make arguing over the TV remote as remote as he is. I’ve done the trip so many times I know every decent coffee shop and loo with toilet paper stop.

It’s the sort of distance where the thrill of conjugal rights rises, then falls somewhere around Crianlarich (a third of the way in). By the time I’ve made it halfway through the latest P.G. Woodhouse audiobook, I’m lucky if I’m up for a walk, let alone anything else.

I...

The May sunshine has given me a heat rash, more freckles than necessary and a spurt of weeds that require the digging of an archaeologist; not to mention bird shit. There is enough on my car to fertilise a few pots and enough on the window to make me get out cleaning equipment, which haven’t seen the light of day since lockdown.

As I write this I am staring out of my loft window at an elderly seagull staring back at me, like it is my fault there is bugger all to eat. He has been there for...

Ice Breaker
Pleasing an audience is easier than pleasing my mother

She entered the restaurant with a walking stick and my heart sank. Admittedly it was a fold-up one but still—a walking stick.

I had no idea she used one.

Then she asked me if I could drive to the comedy club.

“I thought we might walk,” I said, “it’s only five minutes.”

She pulled a ‘hardly’ face and my heart sunk further. Was this a good idea? Her watching me do my thing?

When my pal offered to come with me to the comedy club, I had...

AI Dosen't Always Know Best

Back in the days when Pete was on earth Pete kept a log, most of which was directed at Mex’s inability to “lay off the sugar”. Word has it he left it behind when he left for Planet Hy Man for those of us who want a gentle reminder of just what a queer bunch we humans are…

I don’t know about you but I think the idea of a robot made of Teflon driving a car is as queer as it gets.

Earth 2008 -In Search Of Legless

When Bunnie insisted on me driving, I thought she was “...

Finding the end of sellotape is as easy as finding a man who uses a condom

I decided to say a Christmas thank-you to my son the only way I knew how—with chocolate. He lives in China, and apparently, it’s not that great there.

My husband, a man with more vouchers than Amazon, bought so much cheap chocolate I had to send it in batches.

Or eat it myself …

Every day he came in from work, looked at the pile of chocolate, and asked…

“Have you sent that chocolate yet?”

Sometimes I looked at him like he...

Back in the days when Pete was on earth Pete kept a log, most of which was directed at Mex’s inability to “lay off the sugar”. Word has it he left it behind when he left for Planet Hy Man for those of us who want a gentle reminder of just what a queer bunch we humans are.

Here is a wee extract just for you.

I had been on Earth a week, and my confusion had plunged to the depth of a coal pit, Woody’s “treat 'em mean and keep ‘em keen” lecture didn’t help, and...

So here I am in the east of Scotland in the sort of place that, well, you wouldn’t wear your fancy underwear too, not that I’ve got that many. The sort of place you wouldn’t eat your fish and chips, well I am a vegan. The sort of place you wouldn’t take your shoes off in, especially if you saw my socks and I thought I know I write something funny that will cheer me up.

Could I think of anything funny? The only thing I could think of was this place was worse than my car and my car is pretty...