AI Dosen't Always Know Best
Back in the days when Pete was on earth Pete kept a log, most of which was directed at Mex’s inability to “lay off the sugar”. Word has it he left it behind when he left for Planet Hy Man for those of us who want a gentle reminder of just what a queer bunch we humans are…
I don’t know about you but I think the idea of a robot made of Teflon driving a car is as queer as it gets.
Earth 2008 -In Search Of Legless
When Bunnie insisted on me driving, I thought she was “having- a-laugh;” apparently, she was as serious as Mex is about sugar.
“What about the roundabouts…the junctions,” I said.
“It will be a learning curve,” chuckled Mex who had developed a thing for phrases.
“Learning curve, he’s a robot,” said Bunnie.
“Android,” I snapped.
“He’s a walking microchip.”
“Microchips are more an earth thing,” I said.
“Driving should be second nature to him with all his… robotic…er… genes.” She looked at me. “He just needs to flick a switch or something.”
“Whatever,” muttered Mex peering into her empty fudge bag.
I stared at the TV willing it to turn on.
“Come on then,” said Bunny. “Up and at ‘em”.
No-one moved.
Bunnie lifted a cushion and began to fluff with vigor (a habit she had which made me glad I wasn’t a cushion) “Spock would turn in his grave if he saw you now.
“Spock in a grave?” Said Woody.
“I mean look at you, you’re nothing like Star Wars… I mean Star Trek. They’re always on the go, saving things,” she punched a cushion. “Captain Kirk never whined about roundabouts.”
“What’s Captain Kirk got to do with it?” said Woody.
“He’d be ashamed of the likes of you”.
“He is just a character in a TV show,” said Woody.
Bunnie looked at Woody like he had pulled a kidney from my side and slid it into a sandwich. “I know that,” she said. “But he went to other planets, did things, and never once did he….”
“It's a TV show,” said Woody.
“I am aware.”
“And he is a human—actor.”
“Come on,” she said with a toss of a cushion “let’s get this show on the road”.
I’d liked to say I jumped in the car, but I didn't I was ceremonially pushed!
I stared at the dashboard, it was as old-fashioned as the horse and cart. Cars, (which we call limos) on our planet are driven by computers, the only thing remotely human in the driver’s seat is a painted silhouette on the glass partition as believable as Bunnie's dentures.
Bunnie eased herself into the seat next to me while Mex and Woody piled into the back.
Bunnie nodded to the ignition with a “come on it won’t bite” look, then proceeded to talk me through the gears as my feet felt the peddles, I flicked the car into gear, turned on the ignition, and stalled.
Mex almost wet herself with laughter.
“That’ll be enough of that!” barked Bunnie with a turn and glare.
I jolted into second gear and at, (to quote Bunnie) "a slug’s pace" headed for my first roundabout. It was the size of a launchpad which Bunnie explained was a bonus. The size scared me, I began circling, fearing the exit, after the fourth, Bunnie began to grind her teeth - after the fifth, she was balling like our esteemed leader.
“Just indicate and take a friggin exit.”
I, in the middle of trying to understand the difference between a speed sign, the actual speed of a car, and the rich tapestry of finger gestures stalled yet again. Then a horn blasted from a juggernaut of a lorry looming up my rear.
Even Mex stopped laughing.
“There is always someone uselessly tooting his horn,” muttered Woody.
I took a deep breath and after a few calming yoga mantras screeched an exit favoured in TV dramas and sped through a red light.
“Fuck sake”.
“What?”
“Watch out for the cyclist.”
“Where?”
“Jesus”
“Jesus is riding a bike?”
“Just friggin slowed down.”
I slid the car into first, it jolted to stop, and cars beeped behind.
“Keep going for Christ's sake!” yelled Bunnie.
I attempted a hand brake start.
“You don’t need the break— just go.”
The car jumped “What…”
“I said....”
The car jolted again.
“Stop!” yelled Bunnie.
“You said…”
“Just pull over”.
Woody and I sat in the car as Bunnie and Mex headed to Asda. I looked at the dashboard feeling like an idiot, my hands clammy with anxiety. I was as frazzled as a fried egg. What had turned me into such a “I can’t do this” wreck? By the time we had pulled into the car park, the veins in Bunnie’s neck were pulsating, as she was giving me the lecture of the century, claiming that “I was a danger to mankind and that waving to every “Tom, Dick, and Harry” was as much use as my navigation system”— a total exaggeration.
Woody patted me on the back. “I wouldn’t worry I failed my test three times.”
“But I’m an android we are above mistakes.”
“Well, what would an android do behind a wheel then?”
“I don’t know I am not programmed….” I stopped. I recalibrate my programs all the time which is the difference between an android and a robot, we're as flexible as the Teflon we made from.
“Seriously if you were on your planet what would you do?”
“Get a refund on the driver,” I said.
“Think like a robot,” said Woody.
“Android”.
“Alright, an android then.”
I slid my hand on the wheel, “well, I would not feel for a start. I’d use my head.”
I looked at the speed dial focusing on the connections to the engine and my circuits started to buzz. The gear stick moved in first, the engine fired up, and as my vision zoomed in on the pick-up point the car drove towards it.
“That a boy,” muttered Woody.
Bunnie appeared, with Mex at her side and a trolley in front. Bunnie was looking a little frayed, while Mex, looking like (to quote Woody) she had “been on the piss all night” was pushing a trolley like the wheels had taken over.
I skidded a “TV cop” stop beside them, and the door opened. “Captain Kirk at your service,” I said.
That night I stared at the TV with Woody at my side. Mex was asleep tossing and turning apparently being chased by a Mars bar in her dreams, while Bunnie was in the kitchen doing what she loved best, cleaning with a hum.
“Star Trek is on” yelled Woody.
“I know luv.”
“You not coming to watch.”
“Don’t think so.”
Woody looked at me, “you up for a film then?”
I shook my head, “I had enough earth drama for one day. How about something real?” I said. “And no cars.”
Woody laughed and flicked onto a Star Wars film.
